Plan an Awesome Wedding
Over the past weekend I was asked to attend a wedding for one of Jennifer’s cousins. Rather than endure the pain and torment that a simple “No thanks” would bring, I caved and ended up driving up to Georgia. The wedding itself was rather uneventful and while I sat there bored and wishing I was anywhere other than there, I couldn’t help but sit and wonder how the situation could be improved.
I usually enjoy the receptions with their free food and liquor, but the wedding is such a drag most of the time it nullifies any benefit that free brings with it. If I was to ever be married, I would hate to have to drag my friends and family to the event just for the sake that they feel obligated. It should be a fun experience for everyone, not just the single friends who get to sit and watch some poor man freedom come to a screeching halt. So, without further ado…
How to Make your Wedding more Mantertaining
The first thing I would do would be to change the traditional wedding ceremony music to something a little more appropriate for this century. I would find an organist that wouldn’t mind stepping outside the box and playing something a little more modern, say Guns & Roses some guns and roses. Now, I realize that’s about 20 years old at this point, but when compared to Handel it’s practically a baby in the music world. It doesn’t really need the lyrics, just the music. Just trying to figure out the songs being played on a non-traditional instrument should provide at least 5 seconds of entertainment to someone.
This one won’t really apply for my wedding since I will have one single rule that must not be broken: No weddings between August 15th to February 28th. The NFL and NCAA football seasons have been good to me for many years, and it just wouldn’t be right trying to compete, it’s the least I can do. In fact, there have been at least two weddings I’ve skipped just for this reason alone, so I came up with a compromise for you selfish bastards planning a wedding between those dates. Put some big screen televisions in front of the pews and broadcast a game. If you’re dragging your buddies to see you get married, the minimum you can do to say thanks is to have something to fill those first 30 minutes you expect us to be sitting there before the service even starts.
If you have one of those bitchy brides that must have everything her way, here is how you get around it. When the actual ceremony starts, go picture in picture and show the live wedding video streaming from the Skycam. You heard that right, save the thousands of dollars the flowers would cost and rent a Skycam to shoot the wedding video. Shaky cam shot from the 13th pew suck. Make the video more fun to watch for the 500th time with the addition to some pan, scan and zoom action. Since Skycams are able to take Monday Night Football, which is already in the upper echelon of awesome, to the next level, then it should have no problem elevating the monotony that is a traditional wedding service. This being shown on those large format HDTVs up front would defiantly help out granny see the “I do’s”.
My final suggestion? Cut that crap down to 15 minutes or less. If you can’t walk down the length of a rug and repeat after somebody in less time that it takes to change tire then count me out. This last wedding was over an hour long and I was ready to slit my wrists before we even had the bride on the stage.
So there you have it, some sure-fire ways to guarantee a nice memorable wedding that would rock and not bore everybody before the real party begins.